Struggles

I have them as much as the next person. I feel guilty when I feel this way because I have three healthy children, a loving husband, a beautiful home and a ridiculous amount of food at my fingertips. And then I feel like such a *!tch for feeling this way. But it happens. This morning I woke to the clank of legos, 2 beds that need stripped & washed because of accidents in the night (which is unusual but stripping sheets at 7:00 in the morning isn't real pleasant), 3 hungry children and PMS hormones raging wild. I wasn't up five minutes and while putting in my contacts one child came in and asked me to make breakfast because he was hungry (I'm sure a 'please' was thrown in there but that's not the point). My kids have never, ever missed a meal. If anything it's usually served early, yet I get asked 100 times a day "can you make food? I'm hungry! What's for dinner?". It never stops. They eat all the time. The laundry. Ahh... the never ending laundry. Again, feeling like such a brat even admitting it gets old because I'm blessed with a washer/dryer and not doing it in a river or alternate water source (which is how my sister has been washing her laundry the past 8 months in Senegal). The kitchen is dirty of course. It usually stays clean for a total of 15 minutes before it's a mess again. My kids listen to me half the time I give orders. One kid is in the corner right now because I asked him three times to go upstairs and he ignored every request. That same child tore the built in soap holder out the tile wall in the tub/shower combo yesterday because after I had turned my back he decided to stand on the faucet and soap dispenser and it all came crashing down. Ceramic chips all over the tub and a big gash behind said child's ear. Good times indeed. And do you want to know what crossed my mind at that very second? What the hell were my parents thinking having 11 kids? How did they not stop at 3 or 4 or even 5? On some level, they are saints. And then comes the harsh reality that I'm not as cut out for motherhood as I had fantasized all those years of dating Nathan and imagining this beautiful, large family of ours. HahahaHAHA!

It's always theraputic for me to write but it's always hard to actually publish these post because of 1)sounding unappreciative & ungrateful 2)too many people I know that read this blog 3)it seems so silly after I get done and realize what I'm upset about. But I'm going to post it anyway. Because I'm not alone in feeling so lost in motherhood some days. This morning I went into hubby's home office with my cup of coffee, sat on the floor and started crying. Thank God for him, my outlet and source of comfort when I need it. Today will change. The kids laughter will make me smile, music will keep me company while I tackle various projects and tonight I'll enjoy some quiet after the kids are slowly asleep. And tomorrow will be different. Thanks for listening and for all you mamas out there feeling the same way, HUGS! Much love,
Chatter