Contemplating...

My blog is seriously lacking in content these days. I've reached a point that I'm not sure it's worth keeping around any more. I've started my own journal because it's much easier to write freely when you don't know 75% of your readers. Why is it so hard to pour our heart out when you know your readers? I know I'm not alone in this battle. And while I try to not think about the fact that I know my readers it still lingers in the back of my mind. Fear of judgement, criticism, vulnerability, etc.

My life used to be a lot more chaotic, adventurous and exciting. Having three kids in 32 months, moving six times in six years (not including 5 weeks in a hotel), adopting while pregnant, remodeling a farmhouse, will add a level of excitement to any persons life. Well that chapter (or should I say chapters) of our life is behind us. Now I long for the simple things in life. Days where my kids spend hours running in the backyard, picnics in the park, weekends camping, pullling weeds in my garden, homeschooling my kiddos, snuggling on the couch for afternoon movies, curling up in the bed (or back patio) with a good book, researching nutrition, etc. All of which aren't exactly blog-worthy (at least not the way I write). And I've really taken to this slow lifestyle. I like it a lot actually. Our days rarely include anything that requires leaving the house. The boys are happy when they have my attention and I'm much happier when I give them my attention. I want to embrace this lifestyle while it really is that simple and slow. Any adult you speak to with grown kids constantly say how fast it goes by. I don't want to miss out on these opportunities with my boys. Especially since they are still fighting for my lap, or a ride in the ergo, and begging for books to be read, snuggling before bed, as much time as they can possibly have with their mama. I get one chance at this so I might as well give it my all.

Just Overheard

While giving B & L a bath Landon gave Biruk his buckeye and said "here ya go, this is your favorite color". Biruk asked what color it was and Landon responded with "buckeye" vs brown. Landon then said to B "Buuukee, what color are you?". Biruk replied "I'm brown". Landon said, "That's a nice color." He then proceeded to tell Biruk that he (Landon) was blue. Biruk said "no, your yellow Landon". And Landon said "yep, and Conner yellow, and dad yellow, and mom yellow.". I was smiling listening to this conversation and then Landon had to say "Yep and I like mom's bibbles (nipples) but not dads because his bibbles are hairy". Umm.. okay.

I love the conversations between the boys regarding their skin color. I love the innocence, the thoughtfulness and bond between them!

ramblings...

I'm tired. It's just past nine o'clock and I'd love nothing more than to go to sleep. But since it's a Friday night I suppose I should actually stay awake past 10:00. I'm sick of being tired. I'm considering do an elimination diet to rid myself of whatever nasty food group causes such fatigue. In the meantime I'll continue to drink my last cup of joe at 1:30 since it usually gets me through the afternoon.

Biruk's tantrums are at an all time high. I've never seen it before and I wish some one could just tell me if it's typical three year old behavior or something more. We've been doing so well all around and this week I feel like someone has smacked me upside the head with an iron skillet. Somehow I've managed to keep my cool and cuddle, rock and hold him in the ergo to calm him but I wish we could avoid the piercing scream all together.

My kids have been averaging 10 hours of sleep a night. That include the 2 (almost 3) year old. I don't know how they are functioning during the day but they make it through. Then at bedtime they get a burst of energy and run around giggling followed by bedtime conversation until they eventually fall asleep. Then Nater & I look at the clock and say "It's already nine o'clock". Gone are the days of having all three of our kids asleep by 7:30.

I finally attempted homemade tortillas. Why in the world it took this long is beyond me but it was fun and I will no longer buy them at the store. I'm going to continue to search for a healthier recipe but in the meantime I've found an alternative.

Sometimes I gross myself out by the amount of food I consume. I made carmel corn tonight but had planned on making a double batch so I sat 8 cups of popcorn aside and after putting the kids to bed (and still stuffed from dinner) I managed to shove all 8 cups down my throat. Who does that? And why in the world do I have to lack self-control? Gross.

My house needs clean, the attic addition needs completed, carpets need cleaned, food needs baked, closets need organized, etc., etc. I focused on the kiddos this week and as a result I've completely fallen behind in my domestic duties (puke). But on the positive side, Conner is reading beautifully (he now knows short & long vowel sounds), the boys got tons of vitamin D and we all ate well this week. If only there were more hours in the day.

Happy weekend to all of you...

Wonderful Wednesday

The Moon Shines Down

Thank you moon for the serenity you bestowed on me tonight. I enjoyed your company!

A journal entry, for myself.

I'm starting to understand why we have to have bad days in life. It makes the good days really, REALLY good! I discovered this week 2 things that help Conner with homeschooling; motivation and myself. I told him at the beginning of the week that I'm going to make a chart and on that chart he'll get a star for every day he does his school work well. He loved the idea and earned himself 5 stars this week. As a result he gets to do something fun. And today, after completing his work, we made chocolate & zucchini brownies. They are disqusting (in my opinion) but the kids are all sitting at the bar eating them. Correction: Biruk just said "I don't like it. Mom, will you eat mine?". No thank you B. And I still have a 9x13 pan full of them. Live & learn I suppose. Regarding the second reason for Conner's improvement I've noticed that he works so much quicker and efficiently when I'm sitting right next to him at the table. I've been researching recipes, health & nutrition this week while Conner gets his work finished. It's a win-win for all of us. Meanwhile the other 2 have been playing so well together tackling puzzles, building with legos and imaginative play. Maybe it's all be a fluke but I'm hoping we are turning over a new leaf and with summer will come productivity for all of us, happy play, new recipes & healthy diets.

I just read through old blog posts. After watching Landon feed Biruk tonight at dinner it made me think back to an old photo I had of them feeding each other. Talk about a trip down memory lane. Wow. I'm so thankful I've blogged for so long because it's the only documentation I have of my life (along with photos) and I can't believe how many memories it triggered. And it also made me realize how much more I think about what I blog about now. I don't like it. That's the problem when more & more people you know read your blogs. So I'm going to do my best to stop worrying about what people think and write whatever I am feeling at that given moment. Like, L & B feeding each other. At least once a week one of them will be shoving a bite of food into the other ones mouth. It cracks me up. I've never seen it before and I have no idea why they do it so much. Love, love, love it! I have also been loving watching Conner's expression when he writes his words & numbers when doing his school work. His lip curls up a certain way and he sticks out his tongue a lot when he concentrates. One day he'll stop and I'm going to miss seeing these expressions. I need to capture it on video. He's also reading now which has been so much fun. My little man is all grown up...

Landon loves singing songs in a really deep voice. He can make up a song for anything. It ranges from "mailbox, mailbox to 'driving in my car, driving in my car'". And it always assures a laugh from his brothers. Speaking of brothers he calls Biruk & Conner his "guys". "where are my guys mom?" he'll say when he can't find them. Biruk. OH Biruk. He has made leaps & bounds the past few months. He started sleeping in his own bed. He's become my snuggliest child. He loves to have my carrying him in the ergo or in my arms. His laugh is music to my ears and he always looks at me when Landon is cracking him up and says "deedoe (no idea how to spell it) funny mom". Biruk is a smart little man too. The other day I asked him to try writing his name and the first thing he did was make a B. I then asked him to make the i, r, u & k and the little stinker did. I was shocked and proud.

Some days I look around and can't believe we survived three years ago. But we did. And now I'm doing my best to freeze this time and enjoy my days with these 3 special little men in my life. Lately we've been having lots of fun with some ap hubs downloaded on his phone. The boys crack up and we laugh even harder. Laughing; there is nothing else I'd rather be doing!

Balance

I love the days that come together perfectly. Days that start with coffee on the back porch, phone calls with good friends, healthy meals, homeschooling accomplished, reading books while curled up on the sofa together and some sort of harmony in the house. These are the days that you really feel like you are doing something right and it gives you hope for the next day. Something I thought about while in my funk last week is balance. I do so much better on the days I spend time with the boys. Even though I'm a stay at home mom, I'm not always fully present. It's easy for me to find tasks (de-cluttering, organizing closets, planning camping trips, painting rooms, etc) to keep me occupied. And it's always when I'm knee deep in these duties that I find myself the most stressed & detached from the kids. I have lots of wants & desires as a mother & wife and figuring out how to make it all happen can be challenging. Yesterday I made a delicious home-cooked dinner that was fabulous. But at the end of the meal I looked around and realized how behind I fell in other areas because of spending the day in the kitchen. And it's okay. There is always tomorrow. My goal is to one day have a house that is so organzied & clutter free that it will allow for even more time with my boys & cooking (hahahahaha).

So here's to living in the present. To getting organized with homeschooling (I'll post pictures of our fancy chart with stickers & all), attempting to prepare meals on the weekends and most importantly, finding balance. I'll try to post tips & advice along the way. I'd love any advice or insight that has helped in your own homes. Wish me luck!

My mom.

My mom. She deserves thousands of posts thanking her for the countless acts of kindness & selfless tasks she has accomplished over the years. For the thousands of home-cooked meals she prepared, the millions of dishes she has washed, billions of items of laundry she has cleaned and for the trillons of seconds she has spent caring and worrying for us kids. I'm lucky to have her. And because of her (and my dad) I am blessed with 10 awesome siblings! A gift that could never, ever be topped and a gift that never stops giving. I can't imagine being short any of those siblings. They are a huge part of who I am and who I have become.

I thought of my mom a lot yesterday. I think of her most days. And I wish I did more to show my appreciation for all she has done over the past 30 years of my life. For all the sacrifices she made as a mother. And for the lessons she taught me and is still teaching me. I'm blessed. Happy Mother's day Karen! Thank you for everything.
love, Chatter

Struggles

I have them as much as the next person. I feel guilty when I feel this way because I have three healthy children, a loving husband, a beautiful home and a ridiculous amount of food at my fingertips. And then I feel like such a *!tch for feeling this way. But it happens. This morning I woke to the clank of legos, 2 beds that need stripped & washed because of accidents in the night (which is unusual but stripping sheets at 7:00 in the morning isn't real pleasant), 3 hungry children and PMS hormones raging wild. I wasn't up five minutes and while putting in my contacts one child came in and asked me to make breakfast because he was hungry (I'm sure a 'please' was thrown in there but that's not the point). My kids have never, ever missed a meal. If anything it's usually served early, yet I get asked 100 times a day "can you make food? I'm hungry! What's for dinner?". It never stops. They eat all the time. The laundry. Ahh... the never ending laundry. Again, feeling like such a brat even admitting it gets old because I'm blessed with a washer/dryer and not doing it in a river or alternate water source (which is how my sister has been washing her laundry the past 8 months in Senegal). The kitchen is dirty of course. It usually stays clean for a total of 15 minutes before it's a mess again. My kids listen to me half the time I give orders. One kid is in the corner right now because I asked him three times to go upstairs and he ignored every request. That same child tore the built in soap holder out the tile wall in the tub/shower combo yesterday because after I had turned my back he decided to stand on the faucet and soap dispenser and it all came crashing down. Ceramic chips all over the tub and a big gash behind said child's ear. Good times indeed. And do you want to know what crossed my mind at that very second? What the hell were my parents thinking having 11 kids? How did they not stop at 3 or 4 or even 5? On some level, they are saints. And then comes the harsh reality that I'm not as cut out for motherhood as I had fantasized all those years of dating Nathan and imagining this beautiful, large family of ours. HahahaHAHA!

It's always theraputic for me to write but it's always hard to actually publish these post because of 1)sounding unappreciative & ungrateful 2)too many people I know that read this blog 3)it seems so silly after I get done and realize what I'm upset about. But I'm going to post it anyway. Because I'm not alone in feeling so lost in motherhood some days. This morning I went into hubby's home office with my cup of coffee, sat on the floor and started crying. Thank God for him, my outlet and source of comfort when I need it. Today will change. The kids laughter will make me smile, music will keep me company while I tackle various projects and tonight I'll enjoy some quiet after the kids are slowly asleep. And tomorrow will be different. Thanks for listening and for all you mamas out there feeling the same way, HUGS! Much love,
Chatter