If only there were a pause button...

Sometimes I look back at photos of the kids and it feels like someone is squeezing my heart in their fist. The kids are so much smaller.  The boys still have traces of baby fat.  Their chubby cheeks, bright eyes and innocent smiles make me want to go back in time and pick them up one more time.  It makes me want to smell their hair, kiss their cheek, squeeze them as tight as I can.  Even though I embrace moments I know I want be able hold onto the actual physical memory for very long.  Memories of how squishy they were in my arms, what they felt like lying across my lap, how perfectly they curled up next to meet and fell back asleep when crawling into bed with us at night.  The sound of their voice, their cry, their laughter.  It's not often I look back.  I liked to enjoy the present, with the occasional glance forward.  But sometimes, I open up my computer and I look back at photos and what I wouldn't give to enjoy one more day with the boys as infants, toddlers, and so one.  Just a day.  Or even ten minutes.  It's a good reminder to really, truly live in the present.  Every day.  Today we went out on a walk with the boys & J, not knowing where we were headed.  We ended up walking almost five miles and stopped at three different playgrounds and arrived back at home a few hours later.  It was relaxed.  It was fun.  It was us.  And so perfect.  I'm so thankful for all the time we have with the kids.  I'm thankful they are schooled at home with the added bonus of the flexibility of the hubby's work schedule.  They are so loved.  As are we.  And while I can't go back in time for another hug, I can surely appreciate the one tomorrow morning even more!  

Colorado, how I love thee...

There is something so soothing about a hike in the mountains.  We've been hiking three or more days a week and it's been such a blessing to have the trails so close by.  We've wanted to move to Colorado since we started dating in college, and fourteen years later, it's really happened.  Multiple times I've said to hubs, "I still have to pinch myself.  I can't believe it's finally happened!" Life has a way of working itself out.  Sometimes it's hard to be patient and trust that things happen for a reason.  But it's true.  There is a reason for everything!  There's a reason we've not gotten four homes now that we've put offers on (the market is insane out here right now).  In good time we will find the perfect home for our family.  For now, we've got plenty of beautiful scenery to keep us busy.  I'm so very thankful for so much!  Life is good.

Happy Father's Day

To a man that gives so much but asks for so little.  You are loved!

the forgotten blog

I've fallen off the blogger planet the past year and I keep meaning to jump back on.  Now is as good as ever right?  It's going on 11:00 at night and I'm enjoying some quiet time before bed.  Hubs is in Colorado this week with the new job and I'm holding down the fort in OK.  We close on our house in 2.5 weeks and then we will be residents of Colorado.  It's really happening; we are moving to COLORADO!  A dream we've had since our trips to the mountains in college.  I still remember driving through Springfield just after graduation (where hubs started his first job) and begging him to keep driving west.  Missouri & Oklahoma were good to us but it's time to move on.  There was a reason our path has taken the route it has and we hope move number 7 will be the last for a long time.   We were out there for a couple weeks in May and the entire time I had such a peace about the decision and how wonderful it's going to be for our family.  

J turned 1 in April.  My spitfire, strong-willed, wild child, ornery girl has been walking around furniture since 9 months and finally, at 14 months old is walking!!  It's been very exciting for this mama because I'm now able to get a few things done with her not clinging to my legs.  Not to mention her feet are no longer cut up from dragging them across concrete and her legs no are longer covered in dirt from crawling everywhere!  She is a mover my little J.  I decided to let her roam at the store the other day and off she went.  Without looking back.  C kept fetching her and as soon as he'd put her down, off she went again.  She does not like to be restrained and let everyone know with her loud screams.  We are going to have our hands full with this one I'm afraid :)  She has every one of us wrapped around her chubby little fingers.  Since discovering how wonderful walking is, she now has a confidence (or maybe arrogance is the better word) she emits with every step.  Making her all the more adorable!  J does not know a stranger.  She raises her arm and does the cutes wrist wave to cars driving by, family members on Skype, friends visiting, etc.  She loves being the center of attention.  She is a thrill-seeker and risk taker (completely opposite of her big brothers).  She is just starting to comprehend a lot of what we say which honestly has made parenting her much easier!  I've found myself negotiating with her more & more lately.  Eat another bite or go night night.  Lay down on mama or go in your bed.  Mostly I threaten bedtime.  I'm sure that will come back to haunt me soon.  

L just had a birthday and continues to tell people "I'm not four anymore.  I'm five".  He told everyone over the weekend that we were celebrating his birthday early because his dad wouldn't be here for the actual birthDAY.  For his meals he chose; Lucky Charms & Donuts (cherry cake and cinnamon tiger tail), PBJ for lunch and Nachos for dinner.  And for his cake he chose Dirt Cake.  At five years old I still see the gummy bear in him and I'm so thankful for the little baby fat that still remains.  B & C are so lean & muscular.  They are turning into little men.  L is still sweet as ever.  He has a kind heart and gentle soul.  He still crumbles if we raise our voices too loud.  Or if his brothers hit him a little too hard.  Randomly he can let loose and his temper comes out when provoked.  But overall, he's a care bear at heart.  He has really come out of his shell the past year.  He's a goofball at home but he's no longer inhibited around other people.  More and more people have commented about how excited they are that L will talk to them now.  He loves to dance.  And sing.  He is still quite the artist but lately he's decided he will also be a builder & a golfer.  He is loud.  I'm sure that is a trait he inherited from his dad because I was never (cough cough) loud & bossy as a child.  

B slept with me the last two nights.  It's been nice.  Our co-sleeping days are behind us so the occasional bed visitor is welcomed.  Last night, while reaching out for him I noticed he was incredibly feverish.  This morning he was still super hot and laid on me and snuggled like never before.  I've never seen B so still in my life.  The snuggles were welcomed but I felt so bad for him.  It's nice to know he found comfort in me being close.  But I missed his smile and cheery demeanor.  By late afternoon he seemed to be feeling better and even ate dinner.  I hope tomorrow he wakes up feeling much better.  Speaking of B, I'm so thankful to be able to call him my son.  He's taught me a lot about over the years.  And he's been so forgiving of the mistakes I've made and continue to make.  I'm so grateful for that personality trait.  He is one of the most laid back kids I've ever been around and he has a smile that is sincere and full of warmth.  He loves numbers.  His math skills are unbelievable and he's always pointing out what time it is or asking me addition/subtraction problems.  He found a watch on the ground on our recent camping trip and has been carrying it around ever since.  Occasionally I hear the alarm go off and it brings a smile to my face thinking about my little hoarder.  B always has collected miscellaneous junk and hoards them near or on his bed.  So him finding the watch and wanting to keep it is so fitting.  B has a tender side that is reserved just for baby J.  His presence alone can calm J down and he knows just how to distract her.  On the flip side he can also push her buttons if he wants but his gentleness she hasn't forgotten.  She snuggles up to him more than anyone else and does the cute head rest on his shoulder.  We were at a restaurant not too long ago and each of the boys would walk up for hugs but she'd only give them to B.  It was quite comical.  She of course ate it up and knew how crazy it was making the other two making it that much more hysterical.  Today while he was sick she kept walking up to the chair to either try to engage him or hug him.  It's been fun to watch.  Not to say she doesn't love the other two just as much, she just seems to have a special bond with B.  It's sweet.  

Last, and certainly not least comes the update on my old man C.  We've had an interesting change over the past year.  He's expressing himself a lot these days and it's definitely caused some conflict.  But at the end of the day, he's still my oldest and I'll never forget the chubby little baby that stole my heart nearly 8 years ago when I became a mom for the first time.  A bond that is sacred in so many ways.  And when I find myself getting frustrated at his eye rolling, back turned to me when I'm talking, grimaces, moans, and sassing I remember that sweet boy that laid on my shoulder every night to fall asleep.  The smart little baby that sat on my laps reading Dr.Suess (from memory) to me when he was less than a year old.  The 2 year old that wiped his butt with his shirt because he couldn't find toilet paper and he didn't want to wake me.  The three old nurturing 2 baby brothers and not noticing how much his life had changed but merely enjoying his new role as a big brother.  The four year old that was asking questions that were already requiring me to "google' the answers and me knowing I was in trouble.  The five year old biking 8 miles one day on the trails on one of our many camping adventures.  The six year old walking through the playgrounds with a hand on the shoulders of his two little brothers.  And the 7 year old that loves to dig his fingers in my armpits to tickle me, and then tell me how gross I smell with a huge grin on his face.   And I'm reminded of how fierce my love is for him in spite of the challenges that come with raising a child that sometimes says things he shouldn't and could be a little more respectful.  He can't always help his brain is a little faster than his maturity.  We'll get there.  If not, it's okay.  It's worth it.  

Marriage.  Let's see...  Well, pregnancy, childbirth, newborns, insomnia, exhaustion, etc takes a toll.  But I'm happy to say we are on the rebound.  Love is in the air again and I'm still so thankful we tied the knot in Vegas almost 9 years ago!  There is no else that could possibly understand me better or somehow find just the right words to relieve the heartache better than him.  Life is good.  We are blessed!  I look forward to our next adventure and for all the positive changes to come.  Until next time, may you have a smile on your face and spread happiness & joy to those around you.  

Christmas Vacation

All eleven of my siblings and I made the trip back to Indiana to see my parents over Christmas break.  My younger sister had been in Senegal & Italy for over 2 years and she touched down on US soil mid December and we were all chomping at the bit to see her.  Three new babies joined our family while she was away.  Since all of us wanted to be at our parents home we improvised.  I didn't get a picture with our camper popped up but I had to snap one just after collapsing it. My mom had the brilliant idea of having all of us face each other.  It was a cozy little setup.  It was a wonderful trip with many memories made.  I miss them all already!

A memory to hold onto...

Last night I had told C (2.5 months shy of turning 7) that I would wake him for the meteor shower.  I saw about 5 meteors over the course of almost three hours so I was afraid he would be disappointed.  Upon waking this morning he asked me why I didn't wake him up.  When I explained why he said "oh mom, it's okay if I don't see meteors I will just enjoy the stars".  So I told him again that I would wake him.  I waited until 11p.m. with hopes of getting a better show tonight.  I was afraid he'd be hard to wake but he quickly opened his eyes, popped out of bed and I carried him out to our lawn chair, with a pillow and comforter and he laid on his back on top of my lap as we stared up at the star-filled sky.  He chatted about the solar system for a long time, earthquakes, how hot the sun is, his eerily vivid memory of L's first birthday (C would have been 3 1/2 yrs old) in which L made all of us eat his gross chocolate cake off his slimy hands (C even remembered how his cake was decorated) and he kept thanking me for bringing him outside to see the stars.  We only saw 2 meteors but true to his word, that didn't matter.  He said it was 'just as great seeing a meteor as it was not seeing one'.  He talked and talked and talked.  And I listened.  It was perfect!  Motherhood just keeps getting better with time.  Every day I'm finding more ways of appreciating it!  

 

Spring fed creek pics (camping trip)

Life with 4

Life has become even more than I could have ever imagined thanks to my sweet girl.  For a long time I had my guard up and told people that boys were easy and I was scared to be a mother to a daughter.  I think I was trying to convince and prepare myself in case we never had a daughter.  I told myself parenting boys was wonderful, who needs a daughter?  And it was.  And still is.  But our life has been touched in a way I can't put into words.  She is the light of all of our lives and can bring a smile to any of our faces with just one look.  The boys adore her even more than I imagined they would.  And her dad.  Well let me just say that "daddy's girl" is a understatement.  He would go to the moon and back for her.  And it only makes me love him even more.  

You don't know the impact your child is going to have on your life until after they join you.  I can't imagine life without any of my four children and lately I've been so overcome with gratitude to have this job.  My life has slowed down significantly over the past couple years and I've appreciated motherhood more than ever.  My house is messier than ever and my heart fuller than I could have ever hoped.  Today, while at a program at the library, I watched C sit behind B at the library and he had his arms wrapped him.  They sat on the floor together the entire program with C letting him know the entire time he was right there with him.  It was so touching to observe it.  So often, while at the park, library, or playdates my boys walk together hand in hand.  They already have such a strong bond and I hope it only continues to get stronger as the years pass.  

Here are a few pics I just downloaded from my phone tonight.  Time is passing by quicker than I'd like.

Her sweet feet.  Could they be any cuter?

Her 2nd camping trip.  She laid in the pack n play over an hour while we set everything up; staring at the sky and loving the fresh air.  We have spent hours upon hours on our back porch because my girl LOVES the outdoors (and I couldn't be more thrilled about this).  

Yet another picture of one feeding the other.  This has been going on since they were babies and it cracks me up.  

One of many pictures of their multiple costumes.

Sleeping on Gma's lap.

Smiling at her proud cousin (who is thrilled to no longer be the only niece).

Love this face!

Yummy!

What is it about checking on your kids before going to bed and overcome with an overwhelming love for them?

The block tower they built for their uncle.  

The best big brother ever!

My sweet girl is losing all her baby hair.  

                                     

Enjoying a peaceful evening outside. 

Watching this sky!

One of her many faces.

My two look-a-likes.