Where the wild things are...

Motherhood. I've been at it for 4 years now and feel about as confident as I did the day Conner was born (if not, less confident). There are still so many days that I am at a loss as to why Landon is crying, why Biruk is throwing a tantrum, or why Conner has his arms by his side with his little fingers into a tight fist. I'm not naturally a patient person. It takes a ton of effort on my part to not freak out on the kids when they are all going crazy (or should I say making me crazy). Today was one of those tough days. Maybe I woke up on the wrong side of the bed. I felt like it was a struggle all day to keep it together. It took me 40 minutes at dinner time to get Biruk calmed down enough to eat. I rocked him, I sang to him, I spoke nicely but it didn't matter. I have no idea what was wrong and he sure as hell wanted nothing to do with me. Nathan is traveling and I'm guessing that is some of it. He's still covering his old territory through the end of the year and thankfully, 2010 will hopefully provide us with Nathan again in the evenings (most of the time). We don't do well when dad is away. Anyway, so things calmed down but I just couldn't get everything that had happened out of my head. I've decided that this is definitely the most trying job I've ever had. All of my jobs have had their own challenges; babysitting bratty kids, smelling ammonia all day while making blue prints and sorting through caramels on a conveyor belt. And I've had a few cake jobs as well. But being a mother is definitely the one that has pushed me to the max time and time again. I suppose that is what makes the good days, so damn good.

As the night was coming to an end I kept my promise to the kids of looking at Christmas lights. As I loaded them, cranked on the heat and pulled out of the drive I knew things were about to change. Excitement filled the van and everyone was super excited. Landon kept squealing "lights, lights" with each house we passed that was decorated followed by a sweet little giggle. How can you not smile at that? Conner has gotten so good at spotting all of the homes with lights, no matter how far away they are. And of course he told me stories of previous winters when we looked at lights or when he played in the snow with dad (for those of you who don't know this kid has an incredible memory). And Biruk did what he always does in the car - wrapped his arms around buddy, put his finger in his mouth and grinned every time I looked back at him. At one point I looked back to Biruk and Conner holding hands. Now, how in the world, could I have been so angry today? So incredibly frustrated that I wanted to sit in a closet and cry. In four more years I'll probably be asking myself the same thing. I suppose that is why they say to take it a day at a time. And it seems so silly now. After they are all asleep, cuddled and read to, their teeth brushed. What was I so angry about? And not to mention how stupid it seems when I think of people with REAL problems; unemployment, hunger, thirst, abuse, chronic illnesses.

Tomorrow is another day. Dad will be home by bedtime and the next day starts the weekend. I made it through my second day without any sweets (today was much easier than yesterday) and I worked out for the third time this week. I am sitting by the Christmas tree, enjoying the lights and hoping for more patience, love and kindness with my boys tomorrow. Wish me luck. Oh and please don't imagine me as the monster I make myself out to be :)