Dear Diary

As the boys have grown I've had moments of panic here and there of how fast they are growing but this past week it's hit me much harder than normal. So to deal with it I've been obsessed with not missing a moment, recording video for several minutes at at a time, taking (hundreds) of photos and spending hours watching them play at the park. As a result my house was a disaster by tonight which resulted in a late night cleaning spree. But back to the boys, the sadness of them aging has not left. I wish I would have journaled more and documented every minute of their life. How much did they weigh each month? How tall were they? What were their first words? When did they take their first step? And so on... I know it doesn't matter, but somehow it all seems so blurry. While I may not of been good at documenting everything via words I am so thankful for the thousands of photos and hours of video I am left with. And I know they are only 2,3 & 4 (nearly five) years old but they just seem so big!! Watching the three of them play and listening to their conversations only confirms how much they are growing up! And the bond that has developed is all that I had hoped for and more. One of the many things I love about these boys is when one of them is in trouble the other two chime in "Moooooooom, Daaaaaaaaaaad", all the while thinking 'how dare you punish him'. It's the cutest thing. And I love when one of them is upset and another brings them their favorite toy, blanket, etc. Or the encouraging pats on the back and the most recent phrase of all "you my best friend ____". That's been a popular one as of late. And "you are so funny". Which reminds me, Conner told Nathan & I the other night that we were "hilarious" and "two peas in a pod". While different stories, it's the same thing most families live through day to day. I guess with this grasp on motherhood (finally) has come such a great appreciation and gratitude for being able to be a mom. While I am sad for the time that has passed I am so grateful for the mother I've finally become. Not that I was a bad mother. I was a mom of three kiddos in less than 3 years. And miles away from family & friends. And desperate. And sometimes lonely. And maybe all of that has made me appreciate my time with the boys this past year even more. I still have my moments, I'm far from perfect, but I no longer feel like I'm drowning. So if there are any struggling mama's out there I promise it does get better. While you might be gasping for air right now, one day you'll float. And maybe like me, you'll think 'so this is what it's all about'. I like this!

Thanks for being such patient, forgiving, funny and loving boys...